L'Heureuse Ecrivaine?

I used to think I wasn’t built for happiness. I was a melancholy junior higher of the highest order, and whenever I happened to wake up happy, a shiver of disconcert came over me. What is this feeling? It feels excessive, silly, girlish. I was under the impression that, for serious artists, happiness was more of a bother than it was worth. Good thing, too—it never stayed for long. And so I kept churning out my dark poems and diary entries with the melancholic energy of youth.

And then, around fifteen, happiness began to trickle into my life like a blood transfusion, until my veins were full of something wholly different. And I didn’t write so much anymore, because, for the first time, life itself was more exciting than commenting on it or manipulating it with words. This is best exemplified in the lazy summers spent by Lindsay’s side at the park. What words could make those experiences seem deep or illuminating? They are what they are: blissful, but best kept alive in memory, which can convey their beauty far better than grasping words. Nobody wants to read a love story about two perfectly happy lovers. (Perhaps this is why I fail so miserably at love letters. Rather than tokens of affection, I view them as literature that fails to provide “tension on every page”. How ridiculous!)

Sometimes I will feel that my intellectual energy is spent in discussion. I get such a high from the exchange of ideas that I feel writing about them is like a one-sided conversation, more illuminating for me than anyone else. I would rather keep my head buzzing with idea-bugs than go to the trouble to catch one and examine it and write down my findings. This is why I love school so much. The buzzing. It makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere.

But the writing is coming back to me. At least I talk like it is. And I want to keep it that way. So, I’m going to have to find the place for writing in the life of an un-tortured artist. But I suppose if I can find something to cry about every day (and you know I can), then I can find something to write about as well.